Over the past year my husband and I have had sex once. Half way through he lost his erection and couldn’t get it back. He won’t discuss it. When I’ve made a move he makes excuses and I feel so stupid I no longer bother. He doesn’t even want to cuddle. He is kind and loving and in all other areas of our life we get on well. Friends think we have the perfect relationship. I don’t want to leave him but I cannot go on like this.
Your situation, although very upsetting, is not unusual. Studies suggest between 8-19% of men have persistent erection problems. A common way they deal with the embarrassment and fear this causes is to withdraw from their partner.
There are many causes of men’s erectile dysfunction including physical and mental health problems, stress, exhaustion, body image worries, or past sexual abuse. Factors relating to relationships, including unaddressed feelings of jealousy, anxiety, guilt, arguments or a fear of losing a partner can make a difference. As can concerns over sexual orientation, feeling unable to communicate sexual needs, or concerns over fertility/contraception. Pregnancy and parenthood can also affect men’s sexual functioning.
Might any of these apply? Talking in confidence to the Sexual Dysfunction Association may help clarify further, while giving you support and a chance to offload.
Dealing with this situation will require open conversation. Share how you care about him and are worried about his well-being. This may prompt him to disclose more. It’s OK to be frank and say you are worried by the lack of any intimacy.
He may feel that cuddles and affection have to lead to sex. Reassure him this is not going to be the case but stress how this is a way for you both to share affection while he seeks further advice. You may agree together to share pleasure that doesn’t require him having an erection. Like him going down on you, or holding you while you masturbate. If this makes him feel pressured, a sex therapist can help.
It may be he finds talking privately about intimacy with someone other than you a way to unlock possible barriers he may currently be facing. Or find skills and the confidence to tell you what is going on by discussing these first with a therapist. Some therapists offer advice online or over the phone which might suit him more than a face-to-face consultation.
Encourage him to see his GP within the next few weeks. He may try and shrug this off but if he cannot get or keep an erection this might be a sign of a more serious health problem.
His doctor can assess and treat any root cause, and if appropriate, refer to medical or psychosexual specialist, This is free on NHS, although waiting times vary. You can also self refer via CORST, many of whom offer a sliding fee scale. He may be prescribed medication for erectile problems (such as Levitra Cialis or Viagra). Don’t be tempted to buy these or herbal alternatives online as this can be dangerous.
If he continues to refuse to seek help then you may find therapy is worthwhile for yourself which can give you more skills to talk to him or consider long term options if he won’t deal with things.
Solutions other people have found include ending the relationship, having an open relationship, having an affair, or staying together while accepting there will be no sexual intimacy. None of these are easy choices, and may distress you to consider. They are really only for discussion if he won’t take any action and expects you to accept the situation. In which case a therapy for you may be a good idea. Hopefully an assertive yet caring approach will improve things.
Your situation, although very upsetting, is not unusual. Studies suggest between 8-19% of men have persistent erection problems. A common way they deal with the embarrassment and fear this causes is to withdraw from their partner.
There are many causes of men’s erectile dysfunction including physical and mental health problems, stress, exhaustion, body image worries, or past sexual abuse. Factors relating to relationships, including unaddressed feelings of jealousy, anxiety, guilt, arguments or a fear of losing a partner can make a difference. As can concerns over sexual orientation, feeling unable to communicate sexual needs, or concerns over fertility/contraception. Pregnancy and parenthood can also affect men’s sexual functioning.
Might any of these apply? Talking in confidence to the Sexual Dysfunction Association may help clarify further, while giving you support and a chance to offload.
Dealing with this situation will require open conversation. Share how you care about him and are worried about his well-being. This may prompt him to disclose more. It’s OK to be frank and say you are worried by the lack of any intimacy.
He may feel that cuddles and affection have to lead to sex. Reassure him this is not going to be the case but stress how this is a way for you both to share affection while he seeks further advice. You may agree together to share pleasure that doesn’t require him having an erection. Like him going down on you, or holding you while you masturbate. If this makes him feel pressured, a sex therapist can help.
It may be he finds talking privately about intimacy with someone other than you a way to unlock possible barriers he may currently be facing. Or find skills and the confidence to tell you what is going on by discussing these first with a therapist. Some therapists offer advice online or over the phone which might suit him more than a face-to-face consultation.
Encourage him to see his GP within the next few weeks. He may try and shrug this off but if he cannot get or keep an erection this might be a sign of a more serious health problem.
His doctor can assess and treat any root cause, and if appropriate, refer to medical or psychosexual specialist, This is free on NHS, although waiting times vary. You can also self refer via CORST, many of whom offer a sliding fee scale. He may be prescribed medication for erectile problems (such as Levitra Cialis or Viagra). Don’t be tempted to buy these or herbal alternatives online as this can be dangerous.
If he continues to refuse to seek help then you may find therapy is worthwhile for yourself which can give you more skills to talk to him or consider long term options if he won’t deal with things.
Solutions other people have found include ending the relationship, having an open relationship, having an affair, or staying together while accepting there will be no sexual intimacy. None of these are easy choices, and may distress you to consider. They are really only for discussion if he won’t take any action and expects you to accept the situation. In which case a therapy for you may be a good idea. Hopefully an assertive yet caring approach will improve things.
No comments:
Post a Comment